Gordon Brown Announces 25.5% of UK Budget To Be Spent On African Aid

(Report from the Reuters Wire Service)

Gordon Brown, Britain’s famously ambitious Chancellor of the Exchequer, yesterday announced that aid flows to Africa will be raised from 0.47% of the UK national budget to a whopping 25.5%. This will be effective immediately. Speaking at the Make Poverty Campaign Rally in Trafalgar Square, Brown emotionally announced that for too long Africans have suffered from the injustice of poverty and that a civilised world could not just stand by and do nothing.

“Africans must each have a bowl of maize meal everyday, schools to teach sustainable skills like brick making and condoms in case they feel like a little sex in the afternoon given that jobs are hard to come by and entertainment much in demand,” Brown thundered.

Looking back on the continent’s fifty years of independence, Brown expressed outrage at the poor record of governance that had destroyed so much hope after all the good work that the British had put into places such as Kenya.

“We did a real job helping them deal with terrorists, just like we are trying in Iraq right now,” he said. “In fact we killed more than a 100,000 of them, maimed and tortured scores more and suspended legal protections for another three million … this was the kind of responsible government that was demanded at the time and by jove we supplied it” he added.

Brown lamented the kind of weak-kneed government that the Kenyans presently have, promising that he will leave no stone unturned to help arm the Kenyan army so that it could pursue its disarmament campaign in the northern districts with more effect. “Just look at the job our General Erskine did on those bloody savages” thundered the chancellor.

In attendance was Kenya’s slightly befuddled Minister of Foreign Affairs, Chirau Ali Mwakwere, who nevertheless applauded enthusiastically. He reminded Brown that even though the rains had come this year and there was plenty of food, there was a possibility that they would fail in 2006 meaning that more food aid was needed now. He also lamented the British government’s inefficient delivery of sexual health aids to Kenyans: “How am I supposed to utilise my right to sleep with my wife without getting her pregnant if you do not deliver those condoms?”

Brown was apoplectic with rage that the African right to having safe sex was being betrayed by a callous, consumption obsessed and racist western society. He assured the minister that condoms would be had by all as would all the food, roads, schools, social halls, sports stadiums and clothes required by the deserving poor of Africa.

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About bulletsandhoney
I read my first book when I was three, then my second one a few weeks later. It has carried on this way for decades with only temporary distractions of eating, fighting, loving, heartbreak and other such irrelevant biographical details.

5 Responses to Gordon Brown Announces 25.55 of UK Budget To Be Spent On African Aid

  1. ozymandiaz says:

    MMK. First off, let me say I very much enjoy your blog. I have vistied often from time to time (even though I am remiss in that I have not commented now) and even have alink to it off of mine (I hope that is OK). I have several links that I would like you to check out and hear your oppinion on. Again, kudos.

    http://www.reason.com/rb/rb071305.shtml

    http://service.spiegel.de/cache/international/spiegel/0,1518,363663,00.html

    http://www.prospect-magazine.co.uk/article_details.php?id=6937&AuthKey=db3fb642c08c0d2deb759f2ef7356271&issue=507

  2. victor says:

    I don’t think so. Britain’s will first take care of themselves….not give a quarter of their wealth to others

  3. MMK says:

    Ozymandiaz – Thanks for the link, the links and the generous comment.

    Victor – haha, I wanted to see if I could get away with it.

  4. Sean says:

    this is funny. But it does make a point, that i never considered before.
    if they really believe their money is the key to saving those people, and really believe that we are all equally important. Then why not give 25% of your govt budget. isnt that redistribution of wealth on a global scale? so why not?

  5. MMK says:

    Indeed Sean. If you take these arguments to their logical conclusion, you are left with actions such as Western citizens needing to be taxed even more so that the money can be redistributed to Africans. The idea that human beings belong to a single political community – consider how often mankind is evoked by Western politicians – then you are left with the trouble of who will do the governing.

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