Dr. MMK or: How I Learned to Start Worrying and Hate the PhD

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I have slept only about three hours in the last few days as I struggle to finish a chapter of my so-called doctorate. Being the master procrastinator that I am, I have spent a substantial amount of this time on this very blog as I am doing now … sigh.

I can now announce to all and sundry that I hate my thesis. It is the most loathsome, evil and uncooperative little shit that has ever existed. I have been in a book filled, stuffy room all weekend swearing to it that it better behave or I shall refuse to cooperate should it ever want to be published. Bugger!

I just do not see how I can actually produce 55,000 more words. I keep checking the word counter every two minutes only to find that what I have already written is shrinking as I edit. Oh, the woe of it all. Now what am I to do? Where shall I find nice, thick footnotes?

Then there is this little issue of needing to be original. When I first started this torture it sounded grand; like the type of thing that I had been wishing to do throughout my school life. Well that is all in the past now. The demand for scholarly originality is one of the most fiendish S&M rituals ever invented. How was I to realise that other than exercises in word play that no one cared for and the claim to slivers of meaningless intellectual territory, there is actually very little that the average doctoral student produces? My friends were all in on the joke and I can see their cute little faces sniggering away. “Kima, you belong in grad school” they said in serious we-love-you tones. And I ate it all up, all of it, every single morsel. But I’m not angry, I shall get even by encouraging every unsuspecting sucker I know to sign up for a doctoral programme and then I will seat back and laugh my head off. Hahahahahahahahahaha…

I gave up a good income, free weekends, and vacations for this. How is that for having my head up my a#$^? Well, let me get back to it now. If I never blog again, just know that it is because I have made a solemn pledge to never write another word or read another book. I shall then have become what I now regard as the most blissfully happy creature on earth: illiterate, apathetic, materialistic and suffering from attention-deficit disorder brought on by the sheer amounts of TV and Hollywood films consumed.

Tonight I sleep. Tomorrow, being the great self deluder, I shall no doubt rise with the normal megalomania that has me winning the Nobel by 45 and getting offered dozens of prestigious chairs in philosophy the moment I am done with this chapter.

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About bulletsandhoney
I read my first book when I was three, then my second one a few weeks later. It has carried on this way for decades with only temporary distractions of eating, fighting, loving, heartbreak and other such irrelevant biographical details.

9 Responses to Dr. MMK or: How I Learned to Start Worrying and Hate the PhD

  1. Marius says:

    “Now, son, I don’t want your doctorate to interfere with your blogging duties.
    Mmmuuuhahahaaa.”

  2. wanduma says:

    Guy, hang in there. Do your thing and it will be met with acclaim and adulation.

  3. MMK says:

    Wanduma – Thanks for the encouragement. It is just the thing that I was speaking about in the post 🙂 Please I beg you, encourage me to get right back to a good old corporate gig and to stop this foolishness now. Seriously though, I just handed in a couple of chapters and already feel an annoying increase in my optimism.

  4. Cant wait for you to be done with your doctorate. Perhaps we will get more on your insightful positions more frequently. Hang Tough.

  5. Ms K says:

    Heh heh stop this foolishness now and get back to a good old corporate gig!

    Hope I got all that right!!

    “Where shall I find nice, thick footnotes?” Heh heh I thought I was the only one who counted footnotes as part of the essay.

    Hang in there though, and I’m sure at the end, it will be brilliant and it will be oh so cool the first time someone calls you Dr Kimani!!

  6. hy man! i’ve felt the same writing my small useless diploma dissertation.

    what’s teh subject?

    very nice blog: i love it! it would be a pity if you stop posting.

  7. kamau says:

    I envy you; I have an allergy to advanced study. Not suffering from this affliction is a blessing so please don’t despair. I wish I could have the luxury of such a problem.

  8. Shiroh says:

    Doctorate, Congrats. Keep writing the thesis i realize i like talking more than writing. If the supervisors could just set aside a day for listening would be glad. Anyway keep up.

  9. WM says:

    MMK,
    Don’t be thirry. Since I am in a position not only to comment but also to evaluate, this is going to be easily one of the most original and groundbreaking dissertattions to come out in the last five years. So stop the whining and write, already!
    Do not listen to these blog-addicts who think that you should be blogging instead of getting your three little letters of the alphabet.
    It will be gorgeous. Trust me. I know these things.
    Me

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